How TO Get Rid Of Telemarketers

.1. Insist that the caller is really your buddy Bubba, playing a joke. "Come on, Bubba, cut it out!
Seriously, Bubba, how's your momma?"

2. If they start out with, "How are you today?" say, "I'm so glad you asked, because no one these
days seems to care, and I have all these problems. My arthritis is acting up, my eyelashes are sore, my
dog just died . . . "

3. If they say they're John Smith from XYZ Company, ask them to spell their name. Then ask them to
spell the company name. Then ask them where it is located, how long it has been in business, how many
people work there, how they got into this line of work if they are married, how many kids they have, etc.
Continue asking them personal questions or questions about their company for as long as necessary.

4. This works great if you are male. Telemarketer: "Hi, my name is Sally and I'm with XYZ Company.
" You: Wait for a second and with a real husky voice ask, "What are you wearing?"

5. Cry out in surprise, "Judy? Is that you? Oh my God! Judy, how have you been?" Hopefully, this will
give Judy a few brief moments of terror as she tries to figure out where she could know you from.

6. Say "No" over and over. Be sure to vary the sound of each one, and keep a rhythmic tempo, even as
they are trying to speak. This is most fun if you can do it until they hang up.

7. If MCI calls trying to get you to sign up for the Family and Friends Plan, reply, in as sinister a voice as
you can, "I don't have any friends, would you be my friend?"

8. If the company cleans rugs, respond: "Can you get out blood? Can you get out goat blood? How about
human blood?"

9. After the Telemarketer gives his or her spiel, ask him or her to marry you. When they get all flustered,
tell them that you can't just give your credit card number to a complete stranger.

10. Tell the Telemarketer that you work for the same company, and they can't sell to employees.

11. Answer the phone. As soon as you realize it is a Telemarketer, set the receiver down, scream,
"Oh my God!" and then hang up.

12. Tell the Telemarketer you are busy at the moment and ask him/her if he/she will give you his/her
home phone number so you can call him/her back. When the Telemarketer explains that telemarketers
cannot give out their home numbers say, "I guess you don't want anyone bothering you at home, right?"
The Telemarketer will agree and you say, "Me either!" Hang up.

13. Ask them to repeat everything they say, several times.

14. Tell them it is dinner time, but ask if they would please hold. Put them on your speaker phone while you
continue to eat at your leisure. Smack your food loudly and continue with your dinner conversation.

15. Tell the Telemarketer your probation officer says you can't leave your house and ask if they could
bring you some beer.

16. Ask them to fax the information to you, and make up a number.

17. Tell the Telemarketer, "Okay, I'll listen to you. But I should probably tell you, I'm not wearing any
clothes."

18. If they want to loan you money, tell them you just filed for bankruptcy and you could sure use some
money.

19. Act like you are very, very hard of hearing.

20. Tell them to talk very slowly, because you want to write every word down.

21. Answer the phone saying: Hello, this is peggy sue" like you are a Hillbilly

22. When they say hello say: oooooo no...daddy put down that gun. daddy, i said PUT DOWN that gun!

23. If they ask for the man of the house begin talking about how sexist and narrowminded they are.
don't stop until they hang up.

24. If a female telemarketer calls your boyfriend's house ask her just why she's calling, and act like
you can "see right through this stupid cover up!" harass her for "secretly seeing" your b/f. don't stop
until she hangs up, or threatens to report you.

25. Just say no. A lot! When the person says "Hi I'm _______ from _________" start saying no. It's
best if you get a little song going, and don't stop until the telemarketer hangs up.

Only in the Good Ol' USofA
Only in America...can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance...

Only in America...are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink...

Only in America...do people order double cheese burgers, a large fry and a diet coke...

Only in America...do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters...

Only in America...do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and leave useless things and junk in boxes in the garage...

Only in America...do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won't miss a call from someone we didn't want to talk to in the first place...

Only in America...do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight...

Only in America...are the least useful professions (professional athletes, movie actors & entertainers) paid so disproportionally much compared to people with normal jobs...

Only in America...do people buy domestic brand tires, because they want to "buy American," and install them on their imported cars...

Only in America...the budgets for advertising non-essential items, like soft drinks, exceed the economies of many third-world nations...

Only in America...do we use the word politics to describe the process so well. Poli in latin meaning many and tics meaning blood slurping creatures...

45 Ways to Drive the Pizza Guy Crazy!

1. If using a touch-tone, press random numbers while ordering. Ask person taking the order to stop doing that.

2. Make up a charge-card name. Ask if they accept it.

3. Use CB lingo where applicable.

4. Order a Big Mac Extra Value Meal.

5. Terminate the call with, "Remember, we never had this conversation."


6. Tell the order taker a rival pizza place is on the other line and you're going with the lowest bidder.


7. Give them your address, exclaim "Oh, just surprise me!" and hang up.


8. Answer their questions with questions.


9. In your breathiest voice, tell them to cut the crap about nutrition, ask if they have something outlandishly sinful.


10. Use these bonus words in the conversation: ROBUST FREE-SPIRITED COST-EFFICIENT SYSTEM.


11. Tell them to put the crust on top this time.


12. Sing the order to the tune of your favorite song from Metallica's "Master of Puppets" CD.


13. Do not name the toppings you want. Rather, spell them out.


14. Put an extra edge in your voice when you say "crazy bread."


15. Stutter on the letter "p."


16. Ask for a deal available somewhere else. (e.g. If phoning Domino's, ask for a Cheeser! Cheeser!)


17. Ask what the order taker is wearing.


18. Crack your knuckles into the receiver.


19. Say hello, act stunned for five seconds, then behave as if they called you.


20. Rattle off your order with a determined air. If asked "Would you like drinks with that?", panic and become disoriented.

21. Tell the order taker you're depressed. Get him/her to cheer you up.

22. Make a list of exotic cuisines. Order them as toppings.

23. Change your accent every three seconds.

24. Order 52 pepperoni slices prepared in a fractal pattern as follows from an equation you are about to dictate. Ask if they need paper.

25. Act like you know the order taker from somewhere. Say "Bed-Wetters' Camp, right?"

26. Start your order with "I'd like. . . ". A little later, slap yourself and say "No, I don't."

27. If they repeat the order to make sure they have it right, say "OK. That'll be .99; please pull up to the first window."

28. Rent a pizza.

29. Order while using an electric knife sharpener.


30. Ask if you get to keep the pizza box. When they say yes, heave a sigh of relief.


31. Put the accent on the last syllable of "pepperoni." Use the long "i" sound.

32. Have your pizza "shaken, not stirred."


33. Say "Are you sure this is (Pizza Place)? When they say yes, say "Well, so is this! You've got some explaining to do!" When they finally offer proof that it is, in fact, (Pizza Place), start to cry and ask, "Do you know what it's like to be lied to?"


34. Move the mouthpiece farther and farther from your lips as you speak. When the call ends, jerk the mouthpiece back into place and scream goodbye at the top of your lungs.


35. Tell them to double-check to make sure your pizza is, in fact, dead.


36. Imitate the order taker's voice.


37. Eliminate verbs from your speech.


38. When they say "What would you like?" say, "Huh? Oh, you mean now."


39. Play a sitar in the background.


40. Say it's your anniversary and you'd appreciate if the deliverer hid behind some furniture waiting for your spouse to arrive so you can surprise him/her.


41. Amuse the order taker with little-known facts about country music.


42. Ask to see a menu.


43. Quote Carl Sandberg.


44. Say you'll be able to pay for this when the movie people call back.


45. Ask if they have any idea what is at stake with this pizza.
__________________________________________________


*~ 16 Fun things to do @ Mcdonald's~*
__________________________________________________


1. Laugh really loud for no reason
2. On a serve yourself coke machine, fill your cup with ice and just stand there until someone tells you its over flowing.
3. Run into peoples tables and say, Oh sorry!
4. Stomp your foot and say, OHMYGOD they dont have tacos!
5. Listen in on peoples conversation and laugh when they laugh.
6. Sing the Taco Bell song over and over until someone tells you to stop.
7. After you filled up your cup, trip and say, Oh at least there free.
8. Walk by peoples tables and steal there fries.
9. Look at the toys and say, My gosh what cheap toys.
10. Bring a newspaper over to someones table (That you dont know) and say do you have 7 down on this mornings crossword puzzle? When they answer no, steal some fries and go on to the next table.
11. Leave your tray and trash in the bathroom
12. When your in the bathroom say, Does anyone have alot of toilet paper I can borrow?
13. Leave all the trash at the top of the trashcan.
14. If some one is in the bathroom, kick the door and say, get out of my bathroom!
15. When no one is in the bathroom, lock the door and decorate the bathroom with toilet paper.
16. Make the shape of a gun with your hand and stick in your shirt and say, GIVE ME ALL YOUR FRIES! and then say, no I'm only kidding, I would like to order.

Jerry Springer Application
Last name: ________________

First name: (Check appropriate box)
(_) Billy-Bob
(_) Billy-Joe
(_) Billy-Ray
(_) Billy-Sue
(_) Billy-Mae
(_) Billy-Jack

What does everyone call you?
(_) Booger
(_) Bubba
(_) Junior
(_) Sissy
(_) Other___________________

Age: ____ (if unsure, guess) _____ Not sure

Shoe Size: ____ Left ____ Right

Occupation: (Check appropriate box)
(_) Farmer
(_) Mechanic
(_) Hair Dresser
(_) Unemployed
(_) Dirty Politician
(_) Preacher

Spouse's Name: _________________________
2nd Spouse's Name: ______________________
3rd Spouse's Name: ______________________
Lover's Name: ___________________________

Relationship with spouse: (Check appropriate box)
(_) Sister
(_) Brother
(_) Aunt
(_) Uncle
(_) Cousin
(_) Mother
(_) Father
(_) Son
(_) Daughter
(_) Pet

Number of children living in household: _____
Number of children living in shed: ______
Number that are yours: ______
Mother's Name: _______________________ (If not sure, leave blank)
Father's Name: _______________________ (If not sure, leave blank)

Education: 1 2 3 4 (Circle highest grade completed)

Total number of vehicles you own: ___
Number of vehicles that still crank: ___
Number of vehicles in front yard: ___
Number of vehicles in back yard: ___
Number of vehicles on cement blocks: ___

Number of firearms you own and where you keep them:
____ truck
____ bedroom
____ bathroom
____ kitchen
____ shed

Model and year of your pickup: 196_

Do you have a gun rack?
If no, please explain:

Newspapers/magazines you subscribe to:
(_) The National Enquirer
(_) The Globe
(_) TV Guide
(_) Soap Opera Digest
(_) Rifle and Shotgun

Number of times you've seen a UFO: _____
Number of times in the last 5 years you've seen Elvis: _____
Number of times you've seen Elvis in a UFO: _____

How often do you bathe?
(_) Weekly
(_) Monthly
(_) Not Applicable

Color of eyes:
Right_____ left_____

Color of hair:
(_) Blond
(_) Black
(_) Red
(_) Brown
(_) White
(_) Clairol

Color of teeth:
(_) Yellow
(_) Brownish-Yellow
(_) Brown
(_) Black
(_) N/A

Brand of chewing tobacco you prefer:
(_) Red-Man

How far is your home from a paved road?
(_) 1 mile
(_) 2 miles
(_) Just a whoop-and-a-holler!
(_) Road?



ABC's Of Ex-Boyfriends

A is for the automobile whch he doesn't own.

B is for BULLS---, which is what he was full of.

C is for the commitment that was never there.

D is for "Damn the bad luck" which is what I have in Dating men.

E is for everything he said we'd do, everything he said he was, and every- thing he's not.

E is also for ego. His was bigger than a hot air balloon.

F is for faithful, as long as there wasn't something or someone better to do.

G is for GOD the one he thought he was and wanted to be worshipped as.

G is also for the spot he could never find!

H is for laughter (HA! HA!) the last sound he heard from me as he was walking out the door.

I is for Impotent which is what I told everyone he was.

I is also for the inbreeding that occured in his podunk family.

J is for jugular, the one I'd love to sever.

K is for Key, the one that made the lovely designs on his truck.

K is also for Kick in the balls which is what I'm gonna give him if I see him again.

L is for Love in most cases, but exceptions have been made.

L is for LOSER in this case

M is for MAN. Has anyone been able to find one? Have you ever met one? Do you know where any are?

N is for the narcotics. He drove me past alcohol.

O is for the orgasm he thought he made me have.

P is for PAYBACKS. Remember they are HELL!

Q is for queer. I sometimes wonder if he is.

R is for the hopeless romantic he said he was. He was half right. He was hopeless, not to mention worthless.

R is also for the ring that he can't afford and will never buy.

S is for the sugar they found in his gas tank.

S is also for satisfied, which he rarely made me feel.

T is for typical. Typical little boy playing at being a man.

U is for umbilical cord which was never severed when his mother gave birth.

U is also for the ugly girl he is dating now.

V is for the voodoo doll I made of him. Pins are inserted of course.

W is for wife, the one he said he didn't have.

X is what he is to me now!!!!

Y is for why the hell did I ever get involved with him.

Z is for the zoloft that I had to start taking.
. is for period, which is a good excuse that comes in handy once a month.

Things You Shouldn't Do At A Funeral

1. Tell the widow that the deceased's last wish was that she make love with you.

2. Tell the undertaker that he can't close the coffin until you find your contact lens.

3. Punch the body and tell people that he hit you first.

4. Tell the widow that you're the deceased's gay lover.

5. Ask someone to take a snapshot of you shaking hands with the deceased.

6. At the cemetery, play taps on a kazoo.

7. Walk around telling people that you've seen the will and they're not in it.

8. Ask the widow to give you a kiss.

9. Drive behind the widow's limo and keep honking your horn.

10. Tell the undertaker that your dog just died and ask if he can sneak him into the coffin.

11. Put a hard-boiled egg in the mouth of the deceased.

12. Slip a whoopee cushion under the widow.

13. Leave some phoney dog poop on top of the deceased.

14. Tell the widow that you have to leave early and ask if the will can be read before the funeral is over.

15. Urge the widow to give the deceased's wooden leg to someone poor who can't afford firewood.

16. Walk around telling people that the deceased didn't like them.

17. Use the deceased's tongue to lick a stamp.

18. Ask the widow for money which the deceased owes you.

19. Take up a collection to pay off the deceased's gambling debts.

20. Ask the widow if you can have the body to practice tattooing on.

21. Put crazy-glue on the deceased's lips just before the widow's last kiss.

22. Show up at the funeral services in a clown suit.

23. If the widow cries, blow a trumpet every time she wipes her nose.

24. When no-one's looking, slip plastic vampire-teeth into the deceased's mouth.

25. Toss a handful of cooked rice on the deceased and scream "MAGGOTS! MAGGOTS!" and pretend to faint.

26. At the cemetary take bets on how long it takes a body to decompose.

27. Goose the widow as she bends over to throw dirt on the coffin.

28. Circulate a petition to have the body stuffed instead of buried.

29. Tell everyone you're from the IRS and you're confiscating the coffin for back-taxes.

30. Promise the minister a hundred dollars if he doesn't keep a straight face while praising the deceased.

31. Show up in a white lab coat, say you're from the eye bank, that the deceased had donated his eyes and that you want them NOW! If the widow balks, ask for her eyes.

32. As they lower the casket into the ground start singing, "Na Na Naa Na, Na Na Naa Na, Hey hey hey goodbye..."

33. Tell the widow you're not sure, but you think you saw the body move...


Nicer Ways To Tell Someone They're Dumb

1. Too much yardage between the goal posts

2. A few fries short of a Happy Meal

3. An experiement in artifical stupidity

4. A few beers short of a six-pack

5. Dumber than a box of hair

6. A few peas short of a casserole

7. Doesn't have all his cornflakes in one box

8. The wheel's spinning but the hamster's dead

9. One Froot Loop shy of a full bowl

10. One taco short of a combo plate

11. A few feathers short of a whole duck

12. All foam, no beer

13. The cheese slid off the cracker

14. Body by Fisher - Brains by Mattel

15. Has an IQ of 2 and it takes 3 to grunt

16. Warning: Objects in mirror are dumber than they appear

17. Couldn't pour water out of a boot with instructions on the heel

18. He fell out of the stupid tree and hit every branch on the way down

19. An intellect rivaled only by garden tools

20. As smart as bait

21. Chimney's clogged

22. Doesn't have all his dogs on one leash

23. Doesn't know much but leads the league in nostril hair

24. Elevator doesn't go all the way to the top floor

25. Forgot to pay his brain bill

26. Her sewing machine's out of thread

27. His antenna doesn't pick up all the channels

28. His belt doesn't go through all the loops

29. If he had another brain it would be lonely

30. Missing a few buttons on his remote control

31. No grain in the silo

32. Proof that evolution CAN go in reverse

33. Receiver is off the hook

34. Several nuts short of a full pouch

35. Skylight leaks a little

36. Slinky's kinked

37. Surfing in Nebraska


Stupid Labels*

On a package of Christmas lights: "For indoor and outdoor use only."

On a Sears hairdryer: "Do not use while sleeping."

On a bag of Fritos: "You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside."

On a bar of Dial soap: "Directions: Use like regular soap."

On some Swanson frozen dinners: "Serving suggestion: Defrost."

On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom of box): "Do not turn upside down."

On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding: "Product will be hot after heating."

On packaging for a Rowenta iron: "Do not iron clothes on body."

On Children's Cough Medicine: "Do not drive a car or operate machinery after taking this medication."

On Nytol Sleep Aid: "Warning: May cause drowsiness."

On most brands of Christmas lights: "For indoor or outdoor use only."

On a Japanese food processor: "Not to be used for the other use."

On Sainsbury's peanuts: "Warning: contains nuts."

On an American Airlines packet of nuts: "Instructions: Open packet, eat nuts."

On child's Superman costume: "Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly."

Bumper Stickers

"So many pedestrians, so little time."
"Women make great leaders. You're following one now."
"I came, I saw, I did a little shopping."
"Don't laugh. Yor daughter could be in this vehicle."
"Nobody's ugly after 2 a.m"
"Life's too short to dance with ugly men."
"If you don't like the news, go out and make some of your own."
"Welcome to Texas, now go home."
"I'm out of bed and dressed, What more do you want?"
"Auntie Em. Hate you, hate Kansas, taking the dog. Dorothy."
"Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?"
"Be nice to your kids. They'll choose your nursing home."
"We are born naked, wet and hungry. Then things get worse."
"Warning: Dates in Calendar are closer than they appear."
"Some people are only alive because it is illegal to kill them."
"LOVE: two vowels, two consonants, two fools."
"Your kid may be an honor student but you're still an IDIOT!"
"Don't blame me, I'm from Uranus."
"If @ssholes could fly, this place would be an airport."
"I love cats...they taste just like chicken"
Jesus loves you... everyone else thinks you're an asshole.
The Earth Is Full - Go Home
I said "no" to drugs, but they just wouldn't listen.
Clear the Road I AM SIXTEEN
When I grow up, I wanna be just like Barbie. That BITCH has EVERYTHING!

Superstitions

Don't light three cigarettes on one match-This superstition came from war times when soldiers snuck around in the dark. If a match was lit long enough to light three cigarettes the enemy would see them and they would all get shot.

One superstition I've never heard explained was if three friends took a picture the one in the middle would die first.

Don't walk under a ladder- With the ground, a ladder forms a triangle which is a serious symbol of some kind. Walking through it will destroy the symbol.

Break a mirror=7 years bad luck- In the old days mirrors were extremely hard to find. so hard to find that you would have two wait 7 YEARS to get another one, so if you broke one you had, you had to wait 7 years for another one.

Friday the 13th-The Last Supper (you know, the one before Jesus was crucified- sorry if this doesn't agree with your beliefs)was supposedly on a Friday. The twelve deciples and Jesus made thirteen people who were there.

There are also other superstitions that I found interesting, but weren't explained: Tie a knot in your bedspread and the dogs will howl all night, and throw a dead snake into a tree and it will rain until you take it out.

To predict the sex of a baby: Suspend a wedding band held by a piece of thread over the palm of the pregnant girl. If the ring swings in an oval or circular motion the baby will be a girl. If the ring swings in a straight line the baby will be a boy.

The sound of bells drives away demons because they're afraid of the loud noise.

When a bell rings, a new angel has received his wings

Never carry a hoe into the house. If you do so by mistake, carry it out again, walking backward to avoid bad luck.

Dropping an umbrella on the floor means that there will be a murder in the house.

If a woman sees a robin flying overhead on Valentine's Day, it means she will marry a sailor. If she sees a sparrow, she will marry a poor man and be very happy. If she sees a goldfinch, she will marry a millionaire.

Bad luck will follow the spilling of salt unless a pinch is thrown over the left shoulder into the face of the devil waiting there.

For a girl to meet her sweetheart or to kiss him for the first time under the light of a new moon is considered to be exceptionally lucky, for it means that she will soon become his bride, that their marriage will be blessed with undying love, and that neither of them will know the pinch of poverty. It is also a good omen if, when thinking of her lover, a maiden should hear a cock crow, for it forebodes an early wedding. The same is indicated if, when she is in love, she should fall upstairs.

It is very unlucky for a girl to try on her wedding-ring before the ceremony, for it often results in a sudden termination of the engagement or in an unhappy marriage. To lose an engagement ring or wedding-ring is just as ominous, foretelling a break.


*Daddy's Dating Rules*
Yes, numbers 6 and 7 are missing..oh well..

Rule One: If you pull into my driveway and honk you'd better be delivering a package, because you're sure not picking anything up.

Rule Two: You do not touch my daughter in front of me. You may glance at her, so long as you do not peer at anything below her neck. If you cannot keep your eyes or hands off of my daughter's body, I will remove them.

Rule Three: I am aware that it is considered fashionable for boys of your age to wear their trousers so loosely that they appear to be falling off their hips. Please don't take this as an insult, but you and all of your friends are complete idiots. Still, I want to be fair and openminded about this issue, so I propose this compromise: You may come to the door with your underwear showing and your pants ten sizes too big, and I will not object. However, in order to ensure that your clothes do not, in fact come off during the course of your date with my daughter, I will take my electric nail gun and fasten your trousers securely in place to your waist.

Rule Four: I'm sure you've been told that in today's world, sex without utilizing a "Barrier method" of some kind can kill you. Let me elaborate, when it comes to sex, I am the barrier, and I will kill you.

Rule Five: It is usually understood that in order for us to get to know each other, we should talk about sports, politics, and other issues of the day. Please do not do this. The only information I require from you is an indication of when you expect to have my daughter safely back at my house, and the only word I need from you on this subject is: "early."

Rule Eight: The following places are not appropriate for a date with my daughter:
-Places where there are beds, sofas, or anything softer than a wooden stool.
-Places where there is darkness.
-Places where there is dancing, holding hands, or happiness.
-Places where the temperature is warm enough to introduce my daughter to wear shorts, tanktops, midriff T-shirts, or anything othere than overalls, a sweater, and a goose down parka - zipped up to her throat.
-Movies with a strong romantic or sexual theme are to be avoided; -Movies which features chainsaws are okay. Hockey games are okay. Old folks homes are better.

Rule Nine: Do not lie to me. I may appear to be a potbellied, balding, middle-aged, dimwitted has-been. But on issues relating to my daughter, I am the all-knowing, merciless god of your universe. If I ask you where you are going and with whom, you have one chance to tell me the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth. I have a shotgun, a shovel, and five acres behind the house. Do not trifle with me.

Rule Ten: Be afraid. Be very afraid. It takes very little for me to mistake the sound of your car in the driveway for a chopper coming in over a rice paddy near Hanoi. When my Agent Orange starts acting up, the voices in my head frequently tell me to clean the guns as I wait for you to bring my daughter home. As soon as you pull into the driveway you should exit the car with both hands in plain sight. Speak the perimeter password, announce in a clear voice that you have brought my daughter home safely and early, then return to your car - there is no need for you to come inside. The camoflaged face at the window is mine.


Daddy's Application For Dating*

NOTE: This application will be incomplete and rejected unless accompanied by a complete financial statement job history, lineage, and current medical report from your doctor.

1. NAME _______________________________ DATE OF BIRTH ________________

2. HEIGHT ____________________ WEIGHT __________ I.Q _______ G.P.A.______

3. SOCIAL SECURITY # _____________ DRIVERS LICENSE # __________________

4. BOY SCOUT RANK____________________________________________________

5. HOME ADDRESS _________________ CITY/STATE ___________ ZIP _________

6. Do you have one MALE and one FEMALE parent?___________________________
If No., EXPLAIN ___________________________________________________

7. Number of years your parents have been married
____________________________

8. Do you own a van? ______
A truck with oversized tires? ______
A waterbed? _______
Do you have an earring, nose ring, or belly button ring?_______
A tattoo_________________
(If "yes" to any of #8, discontinue application and leave premises )

9. In 50 words or less, what does "LATE" mean to you?
_____________________________________________
______________________________________________

10. In 50 words or lest, what does "DON'T TOUCH MY DAUGHTER" mean to you
_________________________________________________________________________ _______________________________________________________________________

11. In 50 words or less, what does 'ABSTINENCE" mean to you?
_____________________________________________________________________

12. Church you attend _____________ How often do you attend __________________

13. When would be the best time to interview your father, mother and priest/rabbi/minister? __________

14. Answer by filling in the blank: please answer freely. ALL answers are confidential (That means I won't tell anyone-ever-I promise.)

a) If I were shot the last place on my body I would want wounded is
________

b) If I were beaten, the last bone I would want broken is my
________________

c) A woman's place is in the
________________________________________

d) The one thing I hope this application does not ask me about is
_____________

e) When I first meet a girl, the first thing I notice about her is
_____________

(NOTE: If your answer begins with "T" or "A", discontinue. Leave premises keeping your head low and running in a serpentine fashion is advised.)

15. What do you want to be IF you grow up? __________________________________

I SWEAR THAT ALL INFORMATION SUPPLIED ABOVE IS TRUE AND CORRECT TO THE BEST OF MY KNOWLEDGE UNDER PENALTY OF DEATH, DISMEMBERMENT, NATIVE AMERICAN ANT TORTURE, ELECTROCUTION, CHINESE WATER TORTURE, RED HOT POKERS, AND HILLARY CLINTON KISS TORTURE.

________________________________________
Signature( That means your name, moron)

Thank you for your interest Please allow four to six years for processing. You will be notified in writing you are approved. Please do not try to call or write (since you probably can't and it would cause you injury.) if your application is rejected, you will be notified by two gentlemen weaning white ties and carrying violin cases (You might want to watch your back)




*What If Guys Ruled The World?*

If Guys Ran The World...

Breaking up would be a lot easier. A smack to the ass and a "Nice hustle, you'll get'em next time" would pretty much do it.

Birth control would come in ale or lager.

Valentine's Day would be moved to February 29th so it would only occur in leap years.

On Groundhog Day, if you saw your shadow, you'd get the day off to go drinking. Mother's Day too.

St. Patrick's Day, however, would remain exactly the same. But it would be celebrated every month.

Garbage would take itself out.

Regis and Kathie Lee would be chained to a cement mixer and pushed off the Golden Gate Bridge for the most lucrative pay-per-view event in world history.

The only show opposite "Monday Night Football" would be "Monday Night Football from a Different Camera Angle".

Instead of "beer-belly", you'd get "beer-biceps".

Tanks would be far easier to rent.

Two words..."Ally McNaked".

When a cop gave you a ticket, every smart-aleck answer you responded with would actually reduce your fine. As in:
Cop: "You know how fast you were going?"
You: "All I know is, I was spilling my beer all over the place."
Cop: "Nice one, That's .00 off".

People would never talk about how fresh they felt.

Daisy Duke shorts would never go out of style again.

Every man would get four, real Get Out of Jail Free cards per year.

Telephones would cut off after 30 seconds of conversation.

It would perfectly legal to steal a sports car, as long as you returned it the following day with a full tank of gas.

Instead of a fancy, expensive engagement ring, you could present your wife-to-be with a giant foam hand that said "You're #1!".

When your girlfriend really needed to talk to you during the game, she'd appear in a little box in the corner of the screen during a time-out.

Nodding and looking at your watch would be deemed as an acceptable response to "I love you".

The funniest guy in the office would get to be CEO.

"Sorry I'm late, but I got wasted last night", would be an acceptable excuse for tardiness.

At the end of the workday a whistle would blow and you would jump out of your window and slide down the tail of a brontosaurus and right into your car like Fred Flintstone.

Lifeguards could remove citizens from beaches for violating the "public ugliness" ordinance.

Hallmark would make "Sorry, what was your name again?" cards




*Growing Up In A Small Town*

Those of you who grew up in a small town will laugh when you read this. Those of you who didn't will be in disbelief... but trust me everyone one of these is true....

1) You can name everyone you graduated with

2) You know what 4-H is

3) You ever went to parties at a pasture, barn, or in the middle of a dirt road.

4) You used to lap or drag "main" street

5) You said the "F" word and your parents knew within the hour

6) You scheduled parties around the schedule of different police officers,since you know which ones would bust you and which ones wouldn't.

7) You could never buy alcohol because all the store clerks knew how old you were (and if you were old enough they'd tell your parents anyhow)

8) When you did find somebody old enough and brave enough to buy alcohol, you still had to go out into the country and drive on back roads to drink it.

9) It was cool to date somebody from the neighboring town

10) The whole school went to the same party after graduation

11) You don't give directions by street names or directions by references: (Turn by Nelson's house, go to 2 blocks east to Anderson's, and it's four houses left of the track field)

12) The golf course had only 9 holes...if you had one at all!

13) You can't help but date a friend's ex-boyfriend/girlfriend

14) Your car stays filthy because of the dirt roads and you will never own a dark vehicle for this reason

15) The town next to you is considered "trashy" or "snooty", but is actually just like your town.

16) You refer anyone with a house newer then 1980 as the "rich people"

17) The people in the "big city" dress funny then you pick up the trend 2 years later.

18) Anyone you want can be found at the local gas station or the town pub

19) you see at least one friend a week driving a tractor through town or one of your friends drives a grain truck to school occasionally

20) The gym teacher suggest you haul hay for the summer to get stronger

21) Directions are given using THE stop light as a reference

22) You decide to walk somewhere for exercise and 5 people pull over and ask you if you want a ride somewhere

23) Your teachers call you by your older sibling's names

24) Your teachers remember when they taught your parents

25) You can charge at all the local stores or write checks without any ID.

26) The closest McDonalds is 45 miles away (or more)

27) The closest mall is over an hour away

28) It is normal to see an old man riding through town on a riding lawn mower.

29) You are related in one way or another to a percentage of the town's population.

30) You laugh your butt off reading this because you know it is all true and you forward it to everyone who lives in your town (because you know them All!!!)

~*~Wierd Facts~*~
1. Rubber bands last longer when refrigerated.
2. Peanuts are one of the ingredients of dynamite.
3. There are 293 ways to make change for a dollar.
4. The average person's left hand does 56% of the typing.
5. A shark is the only fish that can blink with both eyes.
6. There are more chickens than people in the world.
7. Two-thirds of the world's eggplant is grown in New Jersey.
8. The longest one-syllable word in the English language is "screeched."
9. On a Canadian two dollar bill, the flag flying over the Parliament building is an American flag.
10. All of the clocks in the movie "Pulp Fiction" are stuck on 4:20.
11. No word in the English language rhymes with month, orange, silver, or purple.
12. "Dreamt" is the only English word that ends in the letters "mt".
13. All 50 states are listed across the top of the Lincoln Memorial on the back of the bill.
14. Almonds are a member of the peach family.
15. Winston Churchill was born in a ladies' room during a dance.
16. Maine is the only state whose name is just one syllable.
17. There are only four words in the English language which end in "dous": tremendous, horrendous, stupendous, and hazardous.
18. Los Angeles' full name is "El Pueblo de Nuestra Senora la Reina de los Angeles de Porciuncula".
19. A cat has 32 muscles in each ear.
20. An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.
21. Tigers have striped skin, not just striped fur.
22. In most advertisements, the time displayed on a watch is 10:10.
23. Al Capone's business card said he was a used furniture dealer.
24. The characters Bert and Ernie on Sesame Street were named after Bert the cop and Ernie the taxi driver in Frank Capra's "It's a Wonderful Life."
25. A dragonfly has a life span of 24 hours.
26. A goldfish has a memory span of three seconds.
27. A dime has 118 ridges around the edge.
28. It's impossible to sneeze with your eyes open.
29. The giant squid has the largest eyes in the world.
30. In England, the Speaker of the House is not allowed to speak.
31. The microwave was invented after a researcher walked by a radar tube and a chocolate bar melted in his pocket.
32. Mr. Rogers is an ordained minister.
33. The average person falls asleep in seven minutes.
34. There are 336 dimples on a regulation golf ball.
35. "Stewardesses" is the longest word that is typed with only the left hand.
36. There is a town in Texas called Ding Dong.
37. A rat will dissolve in cola.
38. Pearls melt in vinegar.
39. It is against the law to sell a toothbrush on the Sabbath in Providence, Rhode Island.
40. It is still legal to hang someone in Kentucky.
41. Human birth control pills work on gorillas.
42. There is a city called Rome on every continent.
43. The screwdriver was invented before the screw.
44. Snails can sleep for 3 years.
45. A shrimp's heart is located in it's head.
46. Many hamsters blink one eye at a time.
47. You can't kill yourself by holding your breath.
48. Polar bears are left-pawed.
49. An ostrich's eye is bigger than it's brain.



Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories an hour.

If you yelled for 8 years, 7 months and 6 days, you would have produced enough sound energy to heat one cup of coffee.

The name Wendy was made up for the book Peter Pan.

Only one person in two billion will live to be 116
or older.

Michael Jordan makes more money from Nike annually than all of the Nike factory workers in Malaysia combined.

The most common name in the world is Mohammed.

Babies are born without knee caps. They don't appear until the child reaches 2-6 years of age.

There are two credit cards for every person in the United States.

No word in the English language rhymes with month, silver, purple, or orange.

If Barbie were life-size her measurements would be 39-23-33. She would stand seven feet, two inches tall and have a neck twice the length of a normal human's neck.

February 1865 is the only month in recorded history not to have a full moon.

In every episode of Seinfeld there is a Superman somewhere.

China has more English speakers than the United States

American Airlines saved ,000 in 1987 by eliminating one olive from each salad served in first-class.

If the population of China walked past you in single file, the line would never end because of the rate of reproduction.

A snail can sleep for 3 years.

The word "lethologica" describes the state of not being able to remember the word you want.

Right handed people live, on average, nine years longer than left handed people do.

If you keep a Goldfish in the dark room, it will eventually turn white.

The average chocolate bar has 8 insects' legs in it.

Marilyn Monroe had six toes.

Donald Duck comics were banned in Finland because he doesn't wear pants.

More people are killed by donkeys annually than are killed in planecrashes

The shortest war in history was between Zanzibar and England in 1896.Zanzibar surrendered after 38 minutes

The average human eats 8 mosquitoes in their lifetime at night

The strongest muscle in the body is the tongue

The most common name in the world is Mohammed.

The electric chair was invented by a dentist.

One of the reasons marijuana is illegal today is because cotton growers in the 1930's lobbied against hemp farmers-they saw it as competition.

On average, people fear spiders more than they do death.

Nutmeg is extremely poisonous if injected intravenously.

In the last 4000 years, no new animals have been domesticated.

In ancient Egypt, priests plucked EVERY hair from their bodies, including their eyebrows and eyelashes.

A crocodile cannot stick its tongue out.

You are more likely to be killed by a Champagne cork than by a poisonous spider.

You can't kill yourself by holding your breath.


The catfish has over 27,000 taste buds.

If you yelled for 8 years, 7 months and 6 days, you would have produced enough sound energy to heat one cup of coffee.(Hardly seems worth it)

We have about 5,000,000,000 years of sunlight left

It snowed in the Sahara Desert on Febuary 18, 1979

There are 2,382,500 Smiths in the U.S.

Sliced bread was patented in 1954

The tounge is the strongest part of the body.

Hey, just to start you out, 99% of statistics are false or mistaken!!!

Did you know that 100% of Lotto Winners gain weight?

What some Mexicans call parsley is really cilantro.

Banging your head against a wall uses up 150 calories an hour!

China has more English speakers than the United States and England.

Typewriter is the longest word that can be made using the letters on only one row of the keyboard

Stewardesses is the longest word that can be written on the keyboard using the left hand only!!

Smurf's was taken off the air because there was only one girl Smurf, and she got pregnant.

20% of women look at a man's butt before they look at any other part of him.

If you are in total darkness without light for 3 days, you become permantly blind.

Coca-cola can be used as car oil!! (As you can see, this does not say PEPSI cola!!)

The reason why most people go out to eat on first dates is because our ancestors used to meet at food gatherings.

In English, "four" is the only number that is spelled as long as it's value.

In your life time, you eat atleast 8 spiders while sleeping.

If you were to spell out numbers, you would have to go to One Thousand until you would find the letter "A"!

Honey is the only food that doesn't spoil.

40% of people that come to your party will snoop in your medicine/bathroom cabinets.

Pizza is the most served dinner food at children's parties in America.

Snickers is the top selling candy sold in vending machines.

Add up all the numbers on the roulette wheel, and the sum is 666

Peakabo Street, the famous skier, was named this because her parents were on a street called Peakabo.

There are more chickens in the world then people.

An average person has 696 muscles, and a teeny tiny caterpillar has more than 4,000.

Spinach is not really as healthy as they make ya think.....a decimal was mis-calculated, so it looked as if it were. It's just as healthy as every other veggie.

The citrus soda 7-UP was created in 1929. "7" was selected because the original containers were 7 ounces. "UP" indicated the direction of the bubbles.

American car horns beep in the tone of F.

No piece of paper can be folded more than 7 times.

Donkeys kill more people annually than plane crashes.

1 in every 4 Americans has appeared on television.

You burn more calories sleeping than you do watching television.

Oak trees do not produce acorns until they are fifty years of age or older

The first product to have a bar code was Wrigley's gum.

The king of hearts is the only king without a mustache.

A Boeing 747's wingspan is longer than the Wright brother's first flight.

Venus is the only planet that rotates clockwise.

The first CD pressed in the US was Bruce Springsteen's "Born in the USA"

Apples, not caffeine, are more efficient at waking you up in the morning.

The 57 on the Heinz ketchup bottle represents the number of varieties of pickles the company once had.

The plastic things on the end of shoelaces are called aglets.

Most dust particles in your house are made from dead skin.

The first owner of the Marlboro company died of lung cancer.

Barbie's full name is Barbara Millicent Roberts.

Betsy Ross is the only real person to ever have been the head on a Pez dispenser.

Michael Jordan makes more money from Nike annually than all of the Nike factory workers in Malaysia combined.

Adolf Hitler's mother seriously considered having an abortion but was talked out of it by her doctor.

Marilyn Monroe had six toes.

All US Presidents have worn glasses. Some just didn't like being seen wearing them in public.

Walt Disney was afraid of mice.

The sound of E.T. walking was made by someone squishing her hands in jelly.